Hi my name is Cody Joseph Ross and I want to tell you a story today. Once I got asked what my favorite shape was. I thought it was a pretty simple question cuz there's only a few and all. Turns out there's a whole lot of shapes. Shapes with different lines and angles. Some look like smiley faces without the faces on the inside. Some look the pieces of cheese Momma used to put on my cheese sandwiches. I like that shape. So I told the person who asked that question that I did not know what my favorite shape was, but if she wanted to know what my favorite color was then I could answer her that. So she said what's your favorite color, Cody? And then I forgot what my favorite color was so then I just said circle.
That was not the story that I was going to tell y'all today. I just like shapes and colors. Okay now on with the story. Some of you know that I just got done winning the World Series in the sport of baseball (which is my job) for the California Giants. Anyway Momma told me I did real good in the playoffs and I said thanks Momma. Truth is, I did do good in the playoffs, especially against the Philadelphia Phillies in the second round. But there's a special reason why I did good against the Phillies.
When I heard we were playing them two things came to my Cody Ross brain.
1. I love the Phillie Phanatic so I hope I can see him and maybe give him a cool handshake and touch his green feathers.
2. I was scared because they have three pitchers that call themselves Water. Well I think they were called something like H20 but when I asked Momma what H20 was she said it was water now shush up and finish your porridge, Cody. Well truth be told, I couldn't even finish the porridge Momma made for me. Every time I picked up my spoon, my hand began to shake. That's how scared I was of facing Water. I had a couple of bed-wetting close calls that night because not only did they scare the piss out of me but they constantly reminded me of a running faucet, kind of like the one Momma lets run when she's on the toilet with constipation.
So after Momma packed my bag and drove me to the airport, I got on the plane headed for Philadelphia and the NLCS. I was so nervous about facing Water that I forgot my toothbrush. Can you believe that?! Cody Ross hasn't missed a chomper cleaning session in years. Anyway, I sat next to pretty much my best friend in the whole world, Travis Ishikawa. He don't talk much and sometimes he helps me color when we are on the plane. Travis is a good colorer.
So Travis and I were minding our own business coloring a picture of a clown Momma gave us when the clubhouse bully came up to us. He had alcohol on his breath, just like my Daddy did when he got home from work and yelled at me.
He said "Cody, why you coloring again? You realize you're a grown man?"
So I looked at him and said "Aubrey Huff, why are you so mean?"
And he looked at me and then he took all my crayons and handed them to Pablo Sandoval. I knew what that meant. Any time somebody handed anything to Pablo, it only went one place, down into his stomach. I once saw him eat Sergio Romo's beard clippings.
Anyway I was feeling real sad with my head down cuz Aubrey Huff was being the bully that he always is. Now that I had nothing to color, my mind was on the Phillies. I tried thinking about the Phanatic and the super-fun Please Touch Museum in Philadelphia, but I couldn't stop worrying about Water. They were really good and I was just okay. All my baseball career I had been just okay, but I wanted Cody Ross to be a superstar. Now was my chance.
But first, I had to poop.
Now I was scared to death of Water, but if there is one thing Cody Ross is never scared of it's public bathrooms. Cody Ross has gone number two in some of the dirtiest, smelliest places y'ever saw. Momma said it was okay as long as I washed my hands at the end.
The bathroom on the plane was really small, even smaller than the outhouse we had at our old house, before I made the big leagues. I had just about finished going number two when I reached for the toilet paper and something shiny caught my eye. It was sitting on the corner of the sink in the bathroom. It was gold and looked like a teapot minus the fat belly. It kind of looked like one of those genie houses that Robin Williams lived in during that Disney movie about the monkey. I rubbed the shiny thing and BAM! out pops this blue Robin Williams-looking thing.
He started doing these wild hand gestures and saying things in Spanish. "Alakazoo" and "Kazaam". Stuff like that. I was just trying to hide my privates from the blue thing.
When he told me his name was Genie I said are you sure it's not Robin Williams and he said yes he's sure. He was real excited to be out of the lamp, he told me. I was still holding my privates. He told me I had three wishes then I could set him free.
I had to think real hard about the wishes, but I could hear Aubrey Huff pounding on the bathroom door from the outside. He probably needed to poop too.
The genie kept on telling me to hurry up. I told him that when I was in school they would give me longer time to answer tests than the other kids and he should do the same.
Truth was, I was torn on my wishes. I wanted to do good against Water, there were three of them. Halladay, Hamels, and Oswalt. That was three wishes right there. Plain and simple, but there was something else I wanted that I knew that I would never have; the love of my childhood life in New Mexico, the sweet Patti Rose. I loved her since the day I set eyes on her. But who was I? I was a bald, short, ballplayer who liked to smear eye-black all over his face for fun.
Four wishes, only three to give Genie. What's a Cody Ross to do?
This is comedy and satire at it's best
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