Evaluating Conan's Return

     After a tumultuous year that included losing his dream gig as host of the Tonight Show, a multi-million dollar payout from NBC for him and his staff, negotiations for where he would do his next show, and the huge growth in popularity due to his fans’ Team Coco campaign that launched a website, a summer comedy tour, and a popular twitter account, Conan O’Brien triumphantly returned to television on November 8th on TBS to monstrous ratings and critical acclaim. His first show blew away the plethora of competition that evening in the ratings as his average audience age was 30 years old, well below that of his competitors Leno and Letterman and even better than his new cable competitors Colbert and Stewart. Television networks covet the 18-49 demographic and Conan appeals most to that section of the television watching public. Now a few weeks in, Conan continues to deliver large numbers in the 18-49 demographic, which has to feel good after the way NBC handled him.

Airports and Douches

They say the best op-ed writing comes as a spur of the moment, stream of consciousness sort of thing. Well, I just woke up, checked out Philly.com, and was so pissed off that I had to write a few paragraphs.

So there apparently is a group of protesters down at the airport today with cute little signs that probably read something like "Frisk me? F*** YOU!" (Stars included, obviously) I have been hearing about this RIDICULOUS issue for the past two weeks and today it has finally come to a head.

Disagree with me all you want, but those of you out there picketing and those of you who agree with these psychopaths are complete and utter brainless DOUCHES.

If someone is going to argue about going through the x-ray scanners at the airport, fine. There is a logical line of thinking for someone not wanting to turning into Radioactive Man. However, for those of you who say it's an infringement of your rights or personal space or personal genitals, get a life. If anyone thinks that these TSA workers are pulling you aside and feeling your B-cups (men's and women's) than they are either

A) A Douche
B) So full of themselves that they think the TSA agents are actually getting off under their pants
C) A and B

By Protesting the full body search, not only are you endangering America but you are endangering your kids as well as every other goddam person on this planet by trying to lower a security standard. I don't care if you are a Muslim woman who is so staunch in her religious beliefs that she cannot be touched or if you are Sean Hannity; you all deserve pat downs.

I honestly do not care where/how frequently the (disgusting) TSA agents check me. As little Jimmy Norton preaches in a book I just read of his, "This generation of people are becoming such nancies." I don't understand these protestors and ANY grounds. Not on the grounds of their kids being searched. Not on the grounds of their religion. No. NOTHING!

And as for the pilots who now can forego the check, screw you! To keep America safe from terror, we must assume that anyone is capable of it!!

Ok I got that off my chest. Back to bed.

Happy Thanksgiving, fellow Horsemen

Well my friends, Thanksgiving will be here later this week, friends will go out and get blind drunk on Wednesday night, people will stuff their face on Thursday, and creatures of the night will wait in the cold during the wee hours of the morning just to get their hands on a wireless printer. I love Thanksgiving, it’s one of my favorite holidays, but lately I feel like it hasn’t been getting its due.

Christmas is by far the best day of the year, anyone who doesn’t like the Christmas season or should I say the “Holiday Season” (Horsemen Avenue is a politically correct blog.) has no soul. I just feel like thanksgiving needs its buffer zone from Christmas. There is no need for people to have their Christmas lights on in the middle of November. Why does B101 have to start with the Christmas music already? I’m all about hearing Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton sing Silent Night, but during the appropriate time. Part of this has to do with the media and retail, I get that but come on enough is enough!

I’m not trying to be a Grinch and rain on Christmas’ parade I’m just saying, you got to respect Turkey day. I think the time to start with the decorations and songs and decorative themes is Black Friday or should I say the day after Thanksgiving. (Horsemen Avenue is not a racist blog.) It’s the official start of the holiday shopping season, and it should be the start of the Christmas season. It’s a logical and perfect fit. So when your on your second helping of stuffing on Thursday, remember to give Thanksgiving some props.

-Zorzi

Rue's SNL Review

Rue’s SNL Review
November 20, 2010




Cold Open—The Rachel Maddow Show. I don’t know if Jim Downey is still writing these, but it seems like the political cold opens are watered down in recent years and “safe”. They used to be the centerpiece of the show; now they just seem like afterthoughts. A lot of it has to do with the fact that Fred Armisen really isn’t an entertaining Obama, in my view. I love Fred, but Lorne would have been better served to sign Keegan Michael Kay, former MadTV actor to play the role.

Monologue— Anne Hathaway. Anne trying to do her monologue and keeps getting interrupted by cast members with sketch change requests for her to get naked. Nothing really special here, looked like it was just thrown together quickly. Fortunately, they spent their creative efforts on making the sketches hilarious this week.

TSA Pre-tape— Very funny stuff. Smart to write this segment when they did since I just saw it get some airtime on The Today Show. Good publicity.

The Miley Cyrus Show— Another good one, but what made this was Hathaway’s Katie Holmes. Spot on. I could see this being a reoccurring sketch every now and then.

Penelope Thanksgiving Soup Kitchen— Kristen was gold again as Penelope. Funny reoccurring character that is growing on me. Wigg is just as important to this cast as Molly Shannon was years before. Hilarious. Side note: Bobby Moynihan was in this and played a homeless guy. I’d like for SNL to give him more character—he is amazing in every role he plays. I see him as a young Artie Lange or Belushi—please don’t screw it up and have him go the way of Horatio Sanz. Bobby can be a big star post-SNL, but they need to showcase him more.

Prince William Engagement— Funniest sketch so far tonight. Now THIS is the kind of stuff I want to see more of! This reminded me of the smart hilarious political type sketches they used to produce during the Mike Myers/Dana Carvey era. I’ve watched this three times and laughed hard each go around. Hader and Armisen were money. “Used to be betta lookin, but still….” “We’re awful peeepoollee!”




Music Break— I miss the days when they had good rock bands play the show, not flavor of the moment pop stuff that will be forgotten in 2 months.

Weekend Update—Bobby had a funny bit as that crazy food network chef. Couple other bits, Chis Hunter Four Loko and the new black guy Jay rapping about Thanksgiving were okay. I just am not a fan of Seth Myers as the Update anchor. I don’t think he has even half the comedic timing of Norm MacDonald. (kind of irrelevant, but I remember how fun Norm’s updates were. Seth’s are cookie cutter and predictable.) Not too sure how he became the head writer, honestly.

The Essentials Wizard of Oz Cutting Room Floor— The Dana Carvey Show did a similar sketch in 1996, and I think MadTV even did one ten years ago. This was hands down the funniest version of it. Armisen as the weathervane was great—I loved this. Another great sketch, thanks to Fred. So far this has been one of the best SNL’s in years.

WXPD News— Herb Welsch celebrating his 60th year in broadcasting played by Bill Hader. Very funny stuff as the old announcer keeps hitting the residents with his microphone and stumbling over what to say. Another sketch that reminded me of the quirky SNL sketches from different eras. Bill Hader carries the show this week with Fred. “I’m not dead you bastards!”

Black Friday Mega Mart—FREE BOX CUTTERS AT THE DOOR! Funny commercial, but I wish Bobby had more high profile roles on this show. This was buried.

Music Break

Horse Play—End of the show stuff, but funny nonetheless. I liked it. Samberg as Robert Smith!

Final Thoughts: Overall one of the best SNL’s in many years. It’s rare when I can honestly say that I liked everything on the show, but I did here—for the most part. The main point of intrest is if they can string consecutive good shows together. That has honestly been their problem. With Robert DeNiro hosting the next live episode, they have a damn good chance to do something special.

Cody Ross and the Wish - Part 1

        

         Hi my name is Cody Joseph Ross and I want to tell you a story today. Once I got asked what my favorite shape was. I thought it was a pretty simple question cuz there's only a few and all. Turns out there's a whole lot of shapes. Shapes with different lines and angles. Some look like smiley faces without the faces on the inside. Some look the pieces of cheese Momma used to put on my cheese sandwiches. I like that shape. So I told the person who asked that question that I did not know what my favorite shape was, but if she wanted to know what my favorite color was then I could answer her that. So she said what's your favorite color, Cody? And then I forgot what my favorite color was so then I just said circle.

         That was not the story that I was going to tell y'all today. I just like shapes and colors. Okay now on with the story. Some of you know that I just got done winning the World Series in the sport of baseball (which is my job) for the California Giants. Anyway Momma told me I did real good in the playoffs and I said thanks Momma. Truth is, I did do good in the playoffs, especially against the Philadelphia Phillies in the second round. But there's a special reason why I did good against the Phillies. 

     When I heard we were playing them two things came to my Cody Ross brain. 

1. I love the Phillie Phanatic so I hope I can see him and maybe give him a cool handshake and touch his green feathers.

2. I was scared because they have three pitchers that call themselves Water. Well I think they were called something like H20 but when I asked Momma what H20 was she said it was water now shush up and finish your porridge, Cody. Well truth be told, I couldn't even finish the porridge Momma made for me. Every time I picked up my spoon, my hand began to shake. That's how scared I was of facing Water. I had a couple of bed-wetting close calls that night because not only did they scare the piss out of me but they constantly reminded me of a running faucet, kind of like the one Momma lets run when she's on the toilet with constipation. 

    So after Momma packed my bag and drove me to the airport, I got on the plane headed for Philadelphia and the NLCS. I was so nervous about facing Water that I forgot my toothbrush. Can you believe that?! Cody Ross hasn't missed a chomper cleaning session in years. Anyway, I sat next to pretty much my best friend in the whole world, Travis Ishikawa. He don't talk much and sometimes he helps me color when we are on the plane. Travis is a good colorer.

   So Travis and I were minding our own business coloring a picture of a clown Momma gave us when the clubhouse bully came up to us. He had alcohol on his breath, just like my Daddy did when he got home from work and yelled at me. 

   He said "Cody, why you coloring again? You realize you're a grown man?" 

   So I looked at him and said "Aubrey Huff, why are you so mean?"

   And he looked at me and then he took all my crayons and handed them to Pablo Sandoval. I knew what that meant. Any time somebody handed anything to Pablo, it only went one place, down into his stomach. I once saw him eat Sergio Romo's beard clippings. 

   Anyway I was feeling real sad with my head down cuz Aubrey Huff was being the bully that he always is. Now that I had nothing to color, my mind was on the Phillies. I tried thinking about the Phanatic and the super-fun Please Touch Museum in Philadelphia, but I couldn't stop worrying about Water. They were really good and I was just okay. All my baseball career I had been just okay, but I wanted Cody Ross to be a superstar. Now was my chance.

   But first, I had to poop. 

   Now I was scared to death of Water, but if there is one thing Cody Ross is never scared of it's public bathrooms. Cody Ross has gone number two in some of the dirtiest, smelliest places y'ever saw. Momma said it was okay as long as I washed my hands at the end. 

  The bathroom on the plane was really small, even smaller than the outhouse we had at our old house, before I made the big leagues. I had just about finished going number two when I reached for the toilet paper and something shiny caught my eye. It was sitting on the corner of the sink in the bathroom. It was gold and looked like a teapot minus the fat belly. It kind of looked like one of those genie houses that Robin Williams lived in during that Disney movie about the monkey. I rubbed the shiny thing and BAM! out pops this blue Robin Williams-looking thing. 

  He started doing these wild hand gestures and saying things in Spanish. "Alakazoo" and "Kazaam". Stuff like that. I was just trying to hide my privates from the blue thing. 

  When he told me his name was Genie I said are you sure it's not Robin Williams and he said yes he's sure. He was real excited to be out of the lamp, he told me. I was still holding my privates. He told me I had three wishes then I could set him free. 

  I had to think real hard about the wishes, but I could hear Aubrey Huff pounding on the bathroom door from the outside. He probably needed to poop too. 

  The genie kept on telling me to hurry up. I told him that when I was in school they would give me longer time to answer tests than the other kids and he should do the same. 

  Truth was, I was torn on my wishes. I wanted to do good against Water, there were three of them. Halladay, Hamels, and Oswalt. That was three wishes right there. Plain and simple, but there was something else I wanted that I knew that I would never have; the love of my childhood life in New Mexico, the sweet Patti Rose. I loved her since the day I set eyes on her. But who was I? I was a bald, short, ballplayer who liked to smear eye-black all over his face for fun.

   Four wishes, only three to give Genie. What's a Cody Ross to do?

   

  

Let the Bidding Begin, 2010 MLB Free Agency

So the season is over, the champagne has finally dried from the obnoxious beard of Giants closer Brian Wilson. Fans around baseball were treated to the San Francisco Giants winning their first World Series title in a long time, Lincecum got high, no one watched and I could care less. As a Phillies fan, 2010 will sting for a long, long time. The image of Ryan Howard looking a strike three will haunt me until March, when I’m sitting at Brighthouse Networks Field with Justin and Kevy, sipping on a beer and gearing up for another Phils season. In the meantime, I will pacify my frustration by reading all the different blogs and tweets trying to get the low down on free agency.

Fact is, I love this stuff. Free Agency is such an exciting part of the year, and I waste hours at a time looking at rumors, researching and analyzing all those weird statistics, and taking inventory on clubs minor league systems. I’m a baseball nut, and really I wouldn’t have it any other way. So here is my prediction on a few of the big name free agents on the market as well as my take on what the Phillies should do this off-season.


Free Agents

Cliff Lee- Texas Rangers

Lee is the best free agent on the open market. I’m still trying to gauge what the market is actually going to be for him, and it’s going to be really interesting. He is a top of the line starter, an unquestioned ace no doubt about that. Lee is 32 years old and he will most likely want years as well as top dollar, not to mention a no trade clause after bouncing around to 3 teams in 3 years. Lee will get the big contract he is looking for, and it won’t be with the New York Yankees. Maybe it’s my unbiased hatred for the evil empire, but I just don’t think Lee signs with the Yanks. He will ultimately resign with the Texas Rangers for around 6 years and 120 million dollars. Nolan Ryan has the money to spend and he will open up the check book for Lee. Look for the Yankees to make the strongest push for Lee, along with many teams who will inquire. Don’t be surprised if the Phillies name gets thrown around, more on that later.

Carl Crawford- Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Crawford is the prize of the position players in the very weak 2010 free agent class. The market is small, and Crawford is mega-talented, a young 5 tool player who could only be scratching the surface as to how productive he can be. Again because of a small market, there will only be a handful of teams that can afford Crawford. I believe that the Angels are a logical fit for Crawford; he can play in the outfield with Torii Hunter who can help mold him into and ever bigger star. Aside from the Angels, I expect the Yankees, Red Sox, Tigers and Mets to be in on Crawford. In the end he will sign with Angels, to try and help them get back to the top in the AL West.

Jayson Werth- Boston Red Sox

Jayson Werth has been a key part to the Phillies success the past 3 seasons. His right handed bat serves as big time protection for Ryan Howard in a lineup chock full of lefties. Werth comes out at a perfect time. Like I said the market is weak and it makes a guy like Werth even more appealing. I’m a Jayson Werth fan and it will be sad to see him go, but he has some flaws in his game. I believe someone will extremely overpay for him, and I hope it’s not the Phillies. Boston makes the most sense here they lack in the power department and they weren’t able to fill the void left by Jason Bay in 2009. Werth could play every outfield spot for the Red Sox, and I think he will eventually find a home in right after JD Drew leaves after the 2011 season. Werth will get somewhere along the lines of a 5 year 85 million dollar deal. Somewhere in the middle of the contract that super agent Scott Boras got for his clients Matt Holiday and Jason Bay. The Phillies won’t let Werth go without a fight though, and it will be interesting to watch over the next few weeks.

Phillies Off-season

Ok Phils fans this off-season don’t expect a major move, just a little bit of tweaking done by GM Rueben Amaro Jr, but if I could be GM, here is what I would do.

Sign Relief Help

I like the idea of Chad Durbin and Jose Contreras coming back, they are two solid guys at the end of the bullpen. What they really need is a reliable left handed option and there will be some available. I like Toronto’s Scott Downs, but he may come with a high price tag. Also a pair of Mets are out there in Pedro Feliciano and Hisanori Takahashi. To reestablish the bullpen as one of the best in the MLB could go a long way.

Acquire Josh Willingham

I’ve wanted to see him in red pinstripes for a few years now. He has put up solid numbers in a terrible Washington Nationals lineup and not to mention he kills the Phils at CBP. I believe if you put him in a lineup as potent and as powerful as the Phillies, he will put up offensive numbers comparable to Jayson Werth. He isn’t as talented in the field as Werth and he is a bit of an injury risk. but he may be expendable because the Nationals may not be able to afford him. I think Joe Blanton for Josh Willingham straight up will get this deal done.


Sign Cliff Lee

I know, I know it's not going to happen, but just hear me out. The Phillies have plenty of money and all this talk about a self imposed salary cap is complete bullshit. If it were up to me, I’d take the money that is being offered to Werth and package it to Cliff Lee in the form of a 4 year 80 million dollar deal. My sales pitch would be look Cliff, we’re sorry we traded you, but it was a business decision. We can’t offer you as much money as the Yankees, but the fans love you, you loved playing for this team and this group of guys and with you Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels at the top of the rotation, you can start planning the parade down Broad Street. Hey man, it could happen.

- Zorzi

An Informal Introduction

For my first post on my new Blawg, I wanted to give the readers a little insight to what they might find in a typical Zorzi blog post. I think I bring an adequate amount to the table, and I aim to please. The good thing about writing this blog is that Justin, John, Rue and myself are all pretty good showman, although not yet critically acclaimed we can entertain the pants off you. (No homo)

My first couple posts will about about Sports, because they are the fuel that runs this engine. Not necessarily something I'm proud of.....actually I am DAMN proud of my sports knowledge and ability to recall random relief pitchers of the Philadelphia Phillies in the late 90's. Where have you gone Jerry Spradlin? Anyway I give you my word that my remaining posts won't be as lame as this one. And I just wanna thank my friends again for giving me the honor of sharing the blawg with them, I mean Chuck thinks were the tops!

Right On Man

- Zorz

Black People Meet.

I'm planning on writing up and extensive blog here soon. I don't know how I can follow Justin's latest offering, but I will try.

This post will not be that try.

I was laying on the floor of my living room today petting my dog, Biscotti. I had the TV on, but I wasn't paying particular attention to it. As the moments passed, I heard a commercial for a website called www.blackpeoplemeet.com. That's "Black People Meet". But you see, without looking at the URL on screen, it sort of sounds like "Black People Meat". As in, they were selling ethnic meat or something. You know there was the option. They had the option. The owners and operators had the option to name the site "Meet Black People". That would have been more pleasing to the ear. But no. They went with "Black People Meet".

I just wanted to let you all know that.

Cheers.

While you are at it, check out www.BlackPeopleMeet.com

It's delicious.

Politic-kle Me Elmo

I didn’t vote yesterday.

Call me Unamerican. Call me a hypocrite. Call me pathetic. Call me what you will. (What you will! ;) )

I wanted to vote. I really did. I was planning on getting up early, scratching the first frost of the season off my car and heading over to the Andorra Public Library bright and early.

And then I stopped and thought.

Who the hell am I voting for? But more importantly, what the hell am I voting for?

I remember back in sixth grade when the class elections were just a big popularity contest and all the snot-nosed punks were making promises they knew they could never make good on.

“Half-days at school from here until June!”

“Free ice cream every day!”

I can say, as a 23 year old, not much has changed. The ones running for office often have snot drizzling down their chins and they are still making those blank promises that even a damn genie couldn’t see through.

People say all those who choose not to vote are uniformed, negligent, ignorant.

Not this guy.

As I said before, I wanted to vote. I went on the gubernatorial (sp.?) candidates websites. Saw their policies. Saw their beautiful faces smiling with their families.

 I wanted to make a difference. But what I realized is that I didn’t want to make a difference just to say I made a difference. Confused? I am too. What I am trying to get at is that most people in this country vote one of two ways. Republican or Democrat. They stare straight down that ballot in the draped booth and they look for their cues. For most of the races they aren’t looking for names like “Morandini” or “Batiste”. They are looking for “red” or “blue”. I apologize to those of you who do that, but I just can’t bring myself to blindly vote for politicians because they supposedly belong to a “party”. When I do vote, I vote on the issues that are important to me.

What do I know of this man’s character? How do I know that this woman is fit to make decisions for me? Let me sit down at Panera Bread and enjoy a You-Pick-2 with each and every person on my ballot and maybe then I will vote based on our conversation and the overall taste of my Bacon Turkey Bravo.

How the hell are the American people supposed to know ANYTHING about ANY CANDIDATE when all we friggin’ hear all day (radio, television, debates) is NEGATIVITY?

John Runyan once raped a donkey. Do you want a donkey rapist representing you in Washington? (This message paid for by the douchebags on the left)

Dan Onorato eats cucumber sandwiches……(wait for it)………WITH SWISS CHEESE. Do you want a man who uses non-American dairy products in Harrisburg? (This message paid for by the douchebags on the right)

Now even with the uncertainty surrounding candidates there is a way that one could get a sense of what each candidate stands for and is planning to do (and vote accordingly). But what if my views aren’t WAYYY over to the left (like most dems these days) or WAYYY over to the right (like most conservatives and my friends these days)? What if I believe in different principles of both parties? What if I believe in the strength of an individual to make a life for himself on his own with limited interference of a governing body? What if I also believe in the necessity and strength of unions? What if I believe that we have a responsibility to help the worthy underprivileged attain the American dream. Yes, I could weigh the issues and just pick the side that seems best to me, but that leaves me way on one side or the other in the end.

And when I do pick somebody, I find out 2 years later that he or she lied and has a pickle fetish.

So here’s what I believe.

I believe that to be invested in something you must be passionate about it.

I am passionate about my family.

Passionate about baseball.

Passionate about music.

When the day comes that I feel passionate about a certain politician or a certain proposition than I will be the first bleary-eyed chap in the booth. But until then, I’m not giving an advantage to someone because of the color of the campaign posters or how many pro bowls they made in the NFL.

So all you politicians out there. Next time you want to throw negative campaigns in the faces on Americans (when I’m trying to watch Game 5 of the World Series) just tell your damn managers to cut the ads and instead take Justin DiBiase to Panera Bread.

I’ll have a Bacon Turkey Bravo and a green tea.

And it’s on you.

-jd

Creating a Network Hit in 2010

The 2010 Fall network season is off to a brutal start. There are no new big hits, several shows have been cancelled, and reliable audience favorites continue to dominate the charts. There are several reasons for this. On one hand, network shows blend together easily as there are way too many cop, detective, and doctor shows that make it hard for anything to stand out. None of the originality and risk taking that exists on cable shows such as Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Boardwalk Empire, and Sons of Anarchy can be found on the networks and it is even worse now with the departure of Lost. Networks simply continue to go back to the well and create spinoffs on stuff that is working (i.e. ABC’s Private Practice and NBC’s new office comedy Outsourced) without trying anything new or inspiring. It is no wonder then that people continue to watch their favorites as sticking with characters and stories you know beats new characters in a similar settings doing similar things.

Rue: Welcome

Welcome to Horsemen Avenue. I want to thank my brother, Justin, for giving us all the platform to spew our views. To spew like horses. To spew like men. To spew like----HORSEMEN.

I'm not too sure what this blog will "be". Maybe a little social opinions. Maybe a little comedy. Maybe a little sports. Maybe a little Hollywood. Maybe everything all rolled into one. I don't know. But I do know that I will do my part to make it entertaining. I do have some experience doing this kind of thing. So sit back, relax, grab a root beer (no ice)...kick your feet up, and get ready.

Because you have just made that sharp left onto Horsemen Ave..

...and it's only just begun....